


A Homeland Thanksgiving

by Leblanc1 (orphan_account)



Category: Homeland
Genre: F/M, Thanksgiving Dinner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 15:24:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8672605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Leblanc1
Summary: Our favorite HL characters sit down for Thanksgiving dinner hosted by Carrie & Quinn.VERY fluffy and silly.Minor S6 spoilers.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SNQA](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SNQA/gifts), [ascloseasthis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ascloseasthis/gifts), [Laure001](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laure001/gifts), [FrangipaniFlower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrangipaniFlower/gifts), [finlyfoe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/finlyfoe/gifts).



> Thanks to the women for whom this fic is gifted. They helped me remember all the inside HL jokes. Love you guys!

( _Evening. The Saturday after Thanksgiving 2016. An opulent lake house. Carrie and Quinn are in the kitchen preparing a large dinner. Serving dishes filled with food crowd the counter.)_

 **QUINN** : ( _a little annoyed_ ) Why the fuck is the German contingent here?

 **CARRIE** : They’re here on business.

 **QUINN** : What business?

 **CARRIE** : A BMW show. Oh, and Otto couldn’t come because he’s having an emergency meeting with Trump. He’s personally funded a private German army that will invade if Trump starts fucking with immigrants and NATO. Brilliant! It’s like atonement-crack for Otto’s family’s past sins and, hey, if Trump wants to fuck with a bunch of Germans with guns, I want to see that fight.

 **QUINN** : They lost two world wars, Carrie. And I’m pretty sure it violates several German laws.

 **CARRIE** : Merkel is on it. And Otto has a Plan B, regardless.

 **QUINN** : Yeah?

 **CARRIE** : Ivan’s sold him a precision nuclear bomb that can detonate the White House. His backup plan is to hit the Electoral College on 12/19. Minimal collateral damage in both cases.

 **QUINN** : ( _admonishing_ ) Carrie…

 **CARRIE** : Oh, stop patronizing, Quinn. Anyway, I’m glad they’re here. It’s high time we all come together and give thanks.

 **QUINN** : Thanksgiving was two days ago, Carrie.

 **CARRIE** : Well, if you recall I was a little busy kidnapping you out of a fucking psych ward on Thanksgiving day, so how about a ‘thank you, love-of-my-life, for saving my sorry ass’?

 **QUINN** : Carrie, you’re so behind on the ‘save my ass’ count we’ll be in our eighties before you catch up. Watch, I’ll be in the hospital for a splinter or something, running for my life, cane in hand, as you chase me around the room with a fuckin’ pillow.

 **CARRIE** : ( _holds out a carving knife, smiling fondly_ ) Be quiet and make yourself useful.

 **QUINN** : ( _refuses the knife, instead picks up two serving bowls from the counter_ ) If this were a real bird, not this mock turkey tofu shit, I’d consider it. I’m bringing in the edible food.

 _(Carrie and Quinn enter the dining room. Saul, Dar, Maggie, Frannie, Jonas, Astrid, Virgil, Max, Laura, Mira, Dana, Chris, and Lockhart surround a large dining room table set up for dinner_. _There are four extra place settings at the table._ )

 **CARRIE** : ( _plops the tofu turkey in front of Jonas_ ) Dinner is served! Jonas, carve the tofu turkey, tout de suite.

 **JONAS** : It’s aber pronto, Carrie. You never learned German properly.

 **CARRIE** : ( _in a saccharine tone_ ) Cut the tofu, Jonas, or I will serve your tiny dick as an appetizer and give you something to “unsee.”

 **MAGGIE** ( _In unison_ ) **FRANNIE** :

Carrie!                                                 Mommy!

( _Jonas takes the knife and starts carving. Carrie and Quinn take their seats at either end of the table._ )

 **DAR** **:** _(indicating the empty chairs_ ) Who will be joining us, Carrie?

 **QUINN:** _(under his breath)_ You’re gonna love this one.

 **CARRIE** : Not sure. But this incredible light keeps talking to me… and it told me more guests would be arriving.

 **ASTRID** : ( _to Quinn_ ) A _light_? That’s talking to her? Is she taking her meds?

 **QUINN** : Yeah. And the light is _all_ good. Do not fight the light, Astrid. The light is our friend.

 **CARRIE** : Quinn, would you like to say Thanksgiving grace?

 **QUINN** : You’re fuc— ( _corrects himself looking at Frannie_ ) You’re kidding, right?

 **LAURA** : I would be honored to give Thanksgiving grace, Carrie.

 **CARRIE** : ( _staring at Quinn, accusingly)_ Thank you, Laura!

 **LAURA** : But only if it’s non-religious. I’ve adopted the European position that religion is only for the lumpenproletariat.

 **CARRIE** : It’s all good, Laura. No God required.

( _all bow their heads_ )

 **LAURA** : First, we give thanks to Carrie and Quinn for hosting us in this beautiful home, the unknown owner of whom is obviously a member of the corporate elite exploiting untold millions of obese Wal-Mart shoppers deluded by this vast corrupt commercialized culture. May we all endeavor to save the sleepless and trampled upon masses who on Black Friday sought to find 2 am specials and were then forced by the chemical food industry to poison themselves with McDonald's and Taco Bell. While his home is the one percent’s version of Wal Mart's consumerism - lakefront splendor, Sub Zero dishwashers, and Carrara marble - it is better than WalMart. We should also thank the Native Americans and recall that this holiday commemorates the annihilation of hundreds of thousands indigenous people of America—

 **MAGGIE** : Stop! I’m sorry, who are you? There is a child here!

 **MAX:** Can we eat? I’m hungry.

 **FRANNIE** : Mommy, can I go to bed? I’m not hungry and I don’t like these people. The social worker told me to leave if I feel unsafe.

 **ASTRID** : ( _sarcastically_ ) Smart girl. May I come too?

 **CARRIE** : Yes, Frannie. Maggie, can you put her down?

( _Frannie stands, gives her mom a kiss, a high five to Quinn, and departs with Maggie_ )

 **DAR** : Let’s eat, shall we? Food’s getting cold and there are no diners for miles.

_(Doorbell rings)_

**CARRIE:** Eat, eat!

( _Carrie goes to the front door and welcomes Brody, Fara, Allison and Aayan. She escorts them into the dining room_ )

 **CARRIE:** Look what the light dragged in!

 **QUINN:** Fuck me.

 **BRODY:** ( _to Dana and Chris_ ) Hi, kids. Where’s your mom?

 **DANA** : ( _angrily_ ) On her honeymoon with Mike! Carrie, this was not the plan when you invited me!

 **CARRIE:** Yeah, I know, Dana. We all got pretty sick of him. But it’s Thanksgiving. We all need to reconcile ourselves to his importance in our lives, and give thanks.

 **DANA** : Fuck that.

 **CARRIE** : ( _standing and addressing the table_ ) First of all, Max, stop kissing Fara. Thank you. So. A warm welcome to our guests from the other side. These divine powers of mine beat the shit out of rank intuition and brilliance any day. Secondly, we have a Mathison family Thanksgiving tradition. Each of you must stand and give thanks on this most beautiful of American holidays.

 **QUINN** : It was two days ago.

 **CARRIE** : ( _ignoring Quinn_ ) Saul, please start us off.

 **SAUL** : (s _tands_ ) First of all, I am thankful for beards. For my beard, for Dar’s beard—

 **DAR** : Mine’s far superior.

 **SAUL:**  ( _stares down Dar_ ) – Haqqani’s beard, Javadi’s beard. All beards. Carrie, however, is not allowed to be Otto’s beard. And I don’t care if he’s gay. I am simply grateful to be living in a beard-friendly universe—

 **LAURA** : Ha! Give Trump five minutes. He’ll have you in a gas—

 **SAUL** : May I continue? ( _Laura flings her hand up with exaggerated acquiescence_ ). I am grateful for Black Jack chewing gum, duck hunting—

 **LOCKHART** : Geese, Saul. They were fucking geese.

 **SAUL** : ( _pointedly at Lockhart_ ) — automatic-locking conference room doors, and for my black leather jacket commemorating my mid-life crisis—

 **ALLISON** : Two thirds, Saul! Two-thirds crisis, not ‘mid.’ You’re not gonna live to be 126 fucking years old.

 **SAUL** : ( _glaring at Allison_ ) _And_ to my protégée, Carrie, for teaching me that gingers are nefarious birth defects who fuck with your mind and deserve to be exterminated.

 **LAURA** : ( _yelling_ ) You are a psychopathic fascist who should be brought up on war crimes—

 **SAUL** : ( _looking around)_ Who invited her?

 **CARRIE** : Unclear. No one ever liked her.

 **JONAS** : I do. We’re fucking.

 **CARRIE** : Ah! This explains everything. Laura, listen to me. Here's the Rx for tolerating Jonas. It’s [ www.dildos.com](http://www.dildos.com). Xanax also helps. Then slip some Viagra into his Krombacher and you’ll be as relaxed as Haqqani with eight wives sunbathing at Ghargha Lake.

 **JONAS:** You know, Carrie, I wouldn’t have required Viagra if you took off your fucking bra when we were having sex!

 **SAUL** : ( _almost yelling_ ) _Stop_! I’m not finished. I’m also thankful to you, Quinn, for restraining your then-psychotic girlfriend from killing me in Islamabad—

 **QUINN** : Anytime.

 **SAUL** : And, finally, I am thankful to this great country for allowing me to fuck up again and again and again, yet, by the grace of God, our President-Elect informed me today that I’ve been re-appointed Director of the CIA

( _Everyone collectively groans, Laura stands abruptly_ )

 **LAURA** : I am _not_ breaking bread with a Trump appointee! Jonas, let’s go!

 **ALL:** ( _in unison, a combination of…)_ Please, do. That’s fine. Drive safely. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

( _Jonas and Laura depart)_

 **CARRIE:** Saul, take back what you said about redheads. I have a daughter.

 **SAUL** : You do?

 **CARRIE** : Christ. Who’s next?

 **BRODY:** ( _stands)_ I’ll go. I’m thankful to this fucked up light shit that has gotten me here. And cabins. Cabins have always been good to me. Um, let’s see. Vests that short circuit – that was helpful. Monosyllabic sons have also been good. Chris, you were always easy to parent. And to Quinn, your incomprehensible devotion to Carrie saved my ass. And, more recently, I hear you’ve protected Frannie from rock-throwers… which begs the question, Carrie, why the fuck are people throwing rocks at your brownstone? You’ve got my kid to think about! Can you stay out of trouble for a nanosecond?

 **ALL:** _(in unison)_ No!

_(Brody sits)_

**CARRIE** : That’s it? I get no thanks?

 **BRODY** : Let’s see, for what? For surveilling me illegally? For allowing Nazir to kidnap me? For letting Quinn put a knife through my hand? For allowing me to get strung out on heroin and hanged? ‘Cause, y’know, I’m a little at a loss here, to be honest.

 **CARRIE** : I made you a hero!

 **DANA:** Um, no. No, you didn’t make him a hero. You gave him a Sharpie star on a wall that the janitor removed with Mr. Clean three days later. And no one wanted that part of the story, anyway.

 **BRODY:** Okay. How ‘bout for the food? Thank you for the food, Carrie. Even the tofu beats the shit out of the food in heaven.

 **VIRGIL:** Are we sure he went to heaven? ( _All look at him accusingly_ ) Hey, it’s a valid question!

 **CARRIE** : Who’s next? Dar?

 **DAR** : ( _stands_ ) This is almost too easy. I’m thankful first to the Dunkin’ Donut Candy Cane Crunch holiday special, of course. I brought a dozen tonight. Enjoy. Waffles, obviously, and Berta the waitress. The chair in Quinn’s hospital room was surprisingly comfortable. That was excellent. And, to Peter Quinn, you’re like a son to me, and I’m happy you’re here with us. I loved your pretty face at sixteen, I loved you on the bus in a beanie and I love you now, tremors, limp and all.

 **QUINN** : Jesus Christ.

 **CARRIE** : Okay, one hit wonders, the floor is yours. Stand and be heard. Allison?

 **ALLISON** : ( _stands_ ) I am thankful to virile Russians, Hermes bags and Diet Coke, of course.

 **CARRIE:** Astrid?

 **ASTRID** : ( _stands_ ) I am thankful to Peter Quinn’s beautiful face and his other assets, naturally. And Laura’s cat. I kept him.

 **CARRIE:** Mira?

 **MIRA** : ( _stands)_ I am thankful for hot Israelis and divorce papers.

 **CARRIE:** Sir?

 **LOCKHART** : ( _stands_ ) Say it with me, everyone!

 **ALL** : (in unison, exhaustedly) Lasagna!

 **CARRIE:** Chris?

( _Chris shakes his head, looks baffled_ )

 **CARRIE:** Fara?

 **FARA:** ( _stands_ ) I am thankful for Max, of course. Small men pack a punch.

 **CARRIE:** Aayan?

 **AAYAN:** _(stands, confused)_ Nothing. I am thankful for nothing. Why am I here?

 **QUINN** : Good question. Carrie, why _is_ he here?

 **CARRIE** : Avenging angels, Quinn. Atonement is a bitch... Dana?

 **DANA** : ( _stands_ ) I am thankful for Scrubbing Bubbles, Swiffer Sweepers, and to Dar, who covertly reinstated Dad’s death benefits so that I could buy the seedy motel and smoke up with Xander every day.

 **BRODY** : ( _sarcastic_ ) Gee, thanks, Dar.

_(Dar nods)_

**CARRIE:** Virgil?

 **VIRGIL** : ( _stands_ ) The Starship Enterprise, of course. Dar fuckin’ Adal just because he’s Dar fuckin’ Adal and I like to say it. Oh, and the Hair Club for Men. It’s working! Max, here feel the peach fuzz.

 **CARRIE:** Max?

( _Max removes his hand from Virgil’s bald head and stands_ )

 **MAX** : Obviously I’m most thankful for being reunited with Fara tonight but, also, a shout out to Quinn’s shrink who hooked me up with NMA.

 **FARA:** What’s NMA?

 **MAX** : Non-Mutes Anonymous. We meet weekly. Chris is joining me next week, right Chris?

( _Chris nods_ )

 **CARRIE** : That leaves you, Quinn.

 **QUINN:** Hey, this is your fuckin’ show, Mathison. I want nothin’ to do with it.

 **CARRIE** : Guest room or speech, Peter Quinn? Your call.

 **QUINN** : ( _remains seated, clears his throat, put out_ ) Fine. At this juncture, I gotta say, ER nurses are looking pretty fuckin’ good. Let’s see. What else? I like ammonium nitrate - and its non-smell. Woulda worked well on Haqqani if a certain bottled blonde didn’t get in my fuckin’ way. Johnnie Walker’s been good to me. And generous-everything redheaded landlords were fun. Fuck, that was hot and kinda weird—

 **CARRIE** : Quinn!

 **QUINN:** —and Glocks. Glocks were good, while they lasted. Dumpsters and cinderblocks had their moments, but the plasticuffs, fuck, they failed me when I needed them most—

 **VIRGIL** : Dude, it’s Thanksgiving, can we get onto the happy shit?

 **CARRIE:** Thank you, Virgil.

 **QUINN** : Okay, okay. Let me think. I dunno. It's been a pretty shitty few years. Late arrivals at funerals had their moments. And that kid in the embassy who helped me shoot Haqqani’s guys - he was cool. Qasim and the atropine. That was good too in a fucked up kind of way. And all those writers out there who have followed my story. I hear they got me laid a lot. That was nice of them. Oh, and to you, Astrid. You’ve always had my back and also got me laid. I dunno… yeah... that’s all I’ve got.

 **CARRIE** : Quinn!

 **QUINN** : What?

 **CARRIE** : ( _hand waving back and forth between them)_ Kindred spirit, soul mate, love-of-your life, right here. Right fucking here! Hello?

 **QUINN** : ( _smirking_ ) That’s kind of a challenge, Carrie.

 **BRODY** : I’m with you, brother.

 **QUINN** : ( _sighs_ ) And to Carrie, of course. Despite ignoring me for two years in favor of Carrot Top here - _several_ Carrot Tops, actually - and fucking a child - sorry Aayan - and nine days, and making me puke black shit and giving me a stroke… thanks to the blinding flash of the obvious, she has literally seen the light. Four years late. But I’ll fuckin’ take it.

 **CARRIE:** That doesn’t sound very thankful.

 **QUINN** : Stand up and let’s get this over with, Carrie.

 **CARRIE** : _(stands)_ Oh my God, there’s so much! _Way_ too much! Let’s start with the hostess gifts. Saul, thank you for the green pen set. It all started there, didn’t it? Max and Virgil, thanks for the Revolucion tequila. Beats moldy yogurt and tomatoes from the Reagan administration, huh? Fuck, those were the days. Fara, the _Survival Guide for Dealing with Bad Bosses_ wrapped in the black garbage bag wasn’t particularly subtle but I’ll take it. Astrid, the bicycle tire and Cher wig was a nice touch too. Aayan, the Narcissus flowers were lovely. Lockhart, thank your wife, again, for the turkey lasagna—

 **QUINN** : Actual turkey? Where?

 **CARRIE** : —but what I love most is the trivia that Pakistan is an acronym. Allison, Quinn and I will treasure forever the Williams Sonoma Frozen Concoction Maker. Dana, thank you for the selfie. I’m pleased you have your clothes on. Chris, I’m not sure why you brought milk but I’ll be sure not to spill it. Finally, Mira, you take the prize for the most useful gift: the beard and mustache removal kit will be put to use tonight around the time we burn Quinn’s sweats.

 **QUINN** : Over my dead body.

_(all groan)_

**CARRIE** : Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t give thanks to mind maps, easily removable hospital dresses and Quinn’s sweet ass, cross-body bags, pillows, and chapstick application on the lips of a certain smokin’ hot semi-dead man—

 **QUINN:** I was not fuckin’ semi-dead!

 **CARRIE** : —and, Brody, What can I say? You made me suffer through ECT but you gave me mind blowing orgasms—

 **SAUL:** ( _in unison, annoyed_ ) **QUINN** :

We’re aware!                                                We fuckin’ know!

 **CARRIE** : ( _speaking over them_ ) _But_ , you also gave me Frannie, and she is worth every infuriating second of our relationship. And Dar, what can I say? You stole Quinn for almost three years and almost fucked up my life forever but you made it all up with the letter—

 **QUINN** : What letter?

 **CARRIE** : ( _ignores him_ ) And, finally, to Quinn. You are here and you are alive and I couldn’t be more thankful. I love you.

_(all applaud, Max and Virgil hand out shot glasses and fill them with tequila)_

**CARRIE** : To our homeland!

 **ALL** : To our homeland!

HAPPY BELATED THANKSGIVING!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> You were warned!! Eye rolls allowed. This is, hands down, the silliest thing I've ever written. It's all my beleaguered post-election brain could manage.  
> Thanks for reading! Special thanks to SNQA and ascloseasthis for editing, and to Frangi for the German help.  
> Comments of any kind are appreciated.  
> 


End file.
